Monday, January 5, 2009

Muscle Mountain

First time director John Tegan has created a lovely new gay porn movie from Jet Set Productions called Muscle Mountain. It's about rugged cowboy types working on a ranch, so brace yourself for a barrage of plaid shirts, ten-gallon hats and geetar'n'banjo strummin' on the soundtrack.

As the title suggests, the men are muscular. Not bodybuilder freakishly huge, but real pumped up at the gym types. Studly Derec Stone (what's with the spelling of his first name? I mean, really) starts things off by pretending to work, mostly splitting logs with an axe. Then the plot kicks in when a neighbour named Lucky Daniels comes by to "spy" on him. Lucky doesn't have the good sense to hide, so of course he gets caught, leading to the inevitable ridiculous confrontation. Lucky complains that Derec's dogs are shitting in his yard (they live on a fucking mountain but they're worried about their yards). Derec sees right through this baloney and accuses Lucky of coming by to drool at all the hunks he has working for him. Apparently, this is a bad thing. Derec chases Lucky away as though he was a nuisance. Later in the movie, they will have sex. It's at times like these that you wish pornos didn't even bother with the storyline, which is often faker than the sex. If Lucky is supposed to be such a nuisance, why cast such a stunning beauty in the role? Wouldn't it make more sense to just welcome him to the fold? I mean, these guys all do each other anyway. (I'm assuming the main product this ranch produces is sperm.)

Muscle Mountain has lots of horny moments and the guys are terrific. Not all of them are muscular, either. In the fourth scene, a little blond twink named Jason Pitt gets a weightlifting lesson from David Dakota that turns into a hot session. Pitt is so twinky he's practically a girl, like Zac Efron.

I really like porn that is shot outdoors. Nothing like sunlight to make fucking look healthy. The location is gorgeous. Throughout, there is lots of 'atmosphere' - hunky barechested dudes liftin' bales of hay, swingin' on tires, loungin' on hammocks, even sizzlin' bacon on a griddle. I have to say, the ranch looks like a fun place for a vacation. I wish it was real. I could use some muscle mountain myself.